I Start Again

I Start Again


This is about my son’s cancer. I love you monkey boy.




My head hangs low.
Somehow I got caught up... between your lies and your truth.
You have stolen my life.

Yesterday is so far behind me. Tomorrow is like rubbing my skin on asphalt.
Today? Today is waiting. Waiting for familiar things.
The wind laughing around my face.
The trees looking down at me and smiling brightly.
The scent of water making my body shiver happily.
My mother’s gentle lips touching my cheek.
My father’s hand holding mine tight.
Anticipation has me glued.

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends.
How can you leave me standing?
When my body is so small it wants to break.
You've cut me down to size.
I never imagined.

Familiar things. Rolling down a hill of wet grass.
Sticking my nose in a pile of flowers. Oh, the smell.

You've opened up my scars, and given me new ones.
I try to stitch you up, and you just cut the thread.
I keep crying, you keep going.
I want to make you taste this, now.
I feel my brain quivering with fright.
It has no understanding of what its body is doing.
It has lost control, control it was made to have. It was stolen.

My heart is beating faster. We could fall apart.

I'm bleeding out on country roads that carry the strong scent of evergreen.
I stare to the sky with my arms stretching up as far as they will go.
"Who are you?” I scream.
Gazing at what is supposed to be familiar. What I long for. What was taken.

Familiar.
Liar. You brought back what I murdered. Murdered ghosts coming back to haunt.
I search everywhere, and still, nothing.
Will you be on the other side? Or will you forget me?
Cells are being taken without my permission.
I think in thousands of broken pieces.
The spirits I adore, they are far away now.
They don't even understand why I'm here.
All they know is that they were disowned.
All I know is I have no choice.

You chose to come here. You chose to take me away.
You chose to make me fight a fight I'll never know how to.
I don't even know where you came from.
There is never a reason why with you.

I want my freedom back. The life that all beings take advantage of.
I try to think of tomorrow. But it just still makes my skin pain with road burns.
Yesterday can't ever disappear. Today has no choice.
And tomorrow will always have memories.

I, have to live underground... hide in the dirt. Fall through the cracks of the sidewalk that no one ever looks at. The sidewalk that is walked on by 5000 people a day.

Can I be your enemy?

A world without you is a world that would stop forever. This is dangerous. Corrupt.

I'm saying prayers under street lights.
I see my parents cry, I see them break.
Why are you so blind?

We have to stay here. We have to hang on to a moment.
We have to chase after you, while in one spot.
If we don't, we lose. I cry myself to sleep. Out loud, and inside.
Swallowing too much. So much until it makes my body feel strange. But I have to.
Or you will kill me.

Familiar.
I've always wanted to sail on a ship. Waves of wonder. Skies of everlasting beauty.
Beauty in storms, beauty in sun. I'll love you, I'll always love you.
You will live forever.
Always. Always, and forever.

This; familiarity, it may never start.
I must get back.
I must get back.
Get me back.