One note: Thank you friends, for being my friends.
***
"We were perfect together." I couldn't hold very still. There was always a foot twitching or a finger tapping when it came to me.
"Together? You aren't together-- you never were. Right?" Chris didn't understand, he never did. And being my older brother you would think he might grasp at least one thing I had to say.
I felt like he was laughing at me on the inside. Like he really thought he had something better. Arrogance I suppose. "Christopher, when I dream, I dream crazy dreams. I can fly, I can sing, I can murder, I can be murdered..." I twirled my soft long hair around my finger. A permanent habit.
"You're weird Beth." He bent back over his challenger RT. It was blue and shiny. That's all he cared about I'm sure. But maybe I exaggerate.
"I would rather have a 1973 Ford Falcon than that thing." I cleared my throat and fidgeted some more. "But really? An El Caminno SS." I love cars. I've always loved cars. Ever since I was a little girl working on them with my dad.
I remember dad telling me about life. Whether purposely or not. I will always thank him.
"Maybe I was a love child." I laughed a small 'ha'. "I mean, mom and dad married young. And dad definitely could have passed for a hippy." Chris looked at me like I was stupid. "Well, you're the one that said I'm weird." I searched through my phone for one of my 50 email addresses. Okay, so maybe I exaggerate again.
Chris threw his rag down and focused on a spec on the windshield of his shiny blue muscle car. "Beth you really need to--"
"No, I don't want to hear your rambles brother. I've heard them for years now. How I need to be prepared? How I need to make the right choices?" I didn't know if I felt stupid or if he felt stupid. "That doesn't make up for--" I looked through my purse for a cigarette, lit one, and continued, "Well. Can time be found after it is lost?" I inhaled the chemicals through the filter made with more chemicals.
"Beth, I really don't know what to say to that. I mean, I love you." He was annoyed. "And I thought you quit smoking?"
"Enough to judge me?" I started to pace a little suddenly noticing the scent of tar and earth. "It's starting to rain. You should get her in the garage." I stared at the rims. "And... so I started again." I stomped my smoke out.
"Have at it." He threw me the keys and made his way inside.
Have at it he says. I mock him perfectly. "I'll be back Chris!" I yelled it knowing he wouldn't hear me. I jumped in, turned the key, and revved up repeatedly. Chris came running out.
"What are you doing?!" He yelled running towards me.
"I'm living!" I laughed finally realizing it would never change. It would always be this way.
I backed up and then made my way through the streets of NY. South is lust, north is love. Central is right in between the lust and the love. There is a difference.
I have good friends in NY. Many memories. Any good memories are things of the past. The past that can't exist.
While waiting at the stop sign in what was becoming a steady rain, I stared at the clock.
" 6 o'clock. Larry's place is definitely open."
I pulled in the faded building's parking lot. There was a locked fence around it yet it was never locked. I don't think Larry is scared of anything.
I scurried up the black metal staircase and stood in front of the doors getting poured on . The heavy doors opened and I immediately smelled memories. Beer, piano, cards. I could hear the clinks and clanks of glasses at the round table that was always full of politicians. I could smell the pipe tobacco coming from the two old men who always frequented there. I could feel the thick air. Larry turned around and saw me.
"Bethany! You beautiful girl. Where have you been? We have work to do, clients to take care of, mouths to feed, pianos to play." He patted my back leading me to the back of the building. I called it the red room. It was deliciously bloody red.
"Larry I can't come back. I would-- but I can't." I looked down fidgeting for another cigarette.
"You should see Cal." His eyes got dark. His fists clenched. His age seemed to make him stronger.
"Well, I don't need to see Cal." I rolled my eyes and pretended I didn't care.
"But you want to." Larry moved his glasses down and gave me a good long stare. He was handsome even in his age. I know he loves me. But it is a love I can trust. You know, just like trusting a cat will catch a mouse.
"It doesn't matter if I want to or not, Larry."
"Oh but it does."
"It' doesn't."
"Then get out of here."
"We were perfect together."
"You weren't together."
"I don't mean, together. I mean, together." Maybe using two different tones for the word 'together' would make him understand. "We were perfect."
"You don't love him."
"No." I shook my head in disbelief that others couldn't see what I see. "It is because I don't love him, that I can love him." Larry hated how deep I thought.
"Beth. I will tell you something now. You know Mark and Jackie?" He pulled out an infamous Cuban cigar.
"You know I do. I was with Mark. Of course I do." I thought for a moment. "Is he with Jackie?"
"That doesn't matter beautiful."
"He got too deep in the snow white selling. I couldn't handle him. His abuse--"
"Yes. Well, he's been hittin the good guys--"
"He always does." I was extremely anxious now.
"It seems he's become very greedy."
"Become? Seems? Larry I-- what's going on?"
"Cal wants to see you too, Beth. He wouldn't want you to know that. But he does."
"Then I'll go see him Larry."
"I'll be right beind you."
I don't know why he said that but I threw him a kiss and rushed out. It was colder out. The rain hadn't given in at all. I slammed the blue door quickly and sped off.
Oh, if I could hate Cal I would. I know he would hate him too. I'm surprised he was willing to meet me. I'm surprised I got a hold of him. I walked up to the gazebo standing in the field. Nothing but trees, rain, fog, and cold.
"You are beautiful Beth." Cal pulled the collar of his thin coat around his neck to protect it from the chill.
"I thought you were so cold you couldn't get cold, Cal?" I smiled slightly.
"Oh. I've taught you well."
"But I didn't need to be taught."
"But it's nice. Is it not?"
"It is." I nodded quietly walking closer to him.
"Larry says you gotta talk."
"Larry is getting old, isn't he Beth?"
"We all are."
"Mark went to the wrong house. Looking for his filthy money."
"Trust-- I trust you Cal, to just skip the bullshit and tell me what is going on."
"He got your dad Beth." He tried to touch me but pulled away.
I immediately felt my stomach sink into my toes and leak out. "What do you mean, 'got', Cal?" I took some steps back slowly and felt faint.
"You are beautiful Beth. Stay beautiful." His eyes were concerned and full of sorrow. He wanted to hold me. But he wouldn't.
"Bu- wh-- I don't-- I can't--" Stay calm, stay calm. "Please--"
"He was looking for her. Your dads new wife." I heard him drawing cold air into his lungs. "Your dad got in his way" He sighed. "My buddy Frank is a cop. He's looking for a family member to identify the body. Larry and I thought it would be easier for you to hear it from us..." he slowly took a step to me.
"But--" I felt like I was dying. And I'm sure it was noticed.
"Beth, if you must hear something, here..." he walked in closer to me, circled me, and leaned his chest up against my back with his lips to my ear. "I love you."
I fell to my knees, not making a sound, wiggling my wedding ring around. Cal kneeled in front of me and lifted my chin.
"We can get him kitten. But you must not be bad. We are good people."
I wished I could talk. Say anything at all. But I was numb.
"Let me help you Beth. Let's go meet with Frank." He held his hand out to me.
"You're expecting too much from me right now. I don't feel anything Cal." I forced the words.
"You must say good bye Beth."
"But--"
"Come Beth." He held my hand tightly and followed me to the shiny blue car.
"Are you worried about me Cal?"
"I am."
We drove through the foggy streets ready to meet Frank.
"We are perfect together, Cal."
"Indeed."
***
